Fractured Fables

We all remember Aesop’s Fables.  These were cautionary tales that impart a moral, or lesson to be learned.  The following tales all have morals that are slightly twisted or bent.  I have also included the famous (or is it infamous?) “Peter Snake” story, which, although not really a fable, nevertheless employs the same type of wordplay in the delivery of the punch line.  These stories are guaranteed to elicit a laugh (or a groan).  I hope that you derive as much enjoyment from the reading of these stories as I get from the telling of them.

1

Once upon a time, there was a tribe of people living in the jungle at the base of a mountain.   They called themselves the Trids.  The Trids occupied themselves by mining gold from a mine halfway up the mountain.  At the top of the mountain lived an ogre.  When the ogre found out that the Trids were mining gold from his mountain, he demanded a cut.  If the Trids did not give him half the gold they mined, he would destroy their village.  The Trids liked where they lived, so they agreed.  Every Friday, the Trids would trudge up to the top of the mountain to pay the ogre his share.  The ogre would take the gold and then kick the Trids back down the mountain.  One Friday, a rabbi came traveling through the village while the Trids were busy gathering the ogre’s share of that week’s gold from the mine.  He could see that the people of the village were distressed and asked them why.  The Trids explained the whole arrangement to the rabbi.  They told him that they didn’t mind giving the ogre half the gold from the mine, but they were getting tired of being kicked back down the mountain.  The rabbi said that maybe he could speak with the ogre for them.  So the rabbi took the ogre’s share of that week’s gold and headed up the mountain.  He reached the ogre’s lair and presented him with the gold.  It just so happened that the ogre was Jewish, so he invited the rabbi to stay for supper.  They shared a delicious kosher meal and drank several glasses of wine.  When it came time for the rabbi to leave, they said goodbye to each other and the rabbi turned to leave. 

“Oh, by the way,” said the rabbi,” why do you always kick the Trids back down the mountain when they bring you your gold?  You didn’t kick me back down the mountain.”

The ogre said, “Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids.”

2

In the Trid village there lived a little boy named Johnny.  Johnny had the misfortune of being born without arms and legs.  He didn’t even have a body.  Johnny was basically just a head.  Johnny attended school with all the other Trid children.  As Johnny grew older, he began to get interested in girls.  At school, there was a girl he liked named Suzy.  One day at school, Johnny told his best friend, Billy, that he wanted to ask Suzy out on a date. 

Billy said,”Johnny, do you think that is wise?  After all, you are just a head.”

Nevertheless, Johnny decided to go for it.  One day at school he rolled up to Suzy. (Rolling was how Johnny got around.)  He asked Suzy if she would go out with him on Friday.

“Ooh ick! A head!”  exclaimed Suzy, and she kicked Johnny down the hall.  A little worse for the wear, Johnny was determined to get a date with Suzy.  So he rolled up to her and asked her out again.

Once again, Suzy exclaimed, “Ooh ick!  A head!” and kicked Johnny down the hall.  Trids seemed to get kicked around a lot.  By this time Johnny was all bruised up and black and blue from Suzy kicking him.  But he was determined to get a date with Suzy.  He told Billy that he was going to ask her one more time.  Billy did not think this was a good idea.

“The last two times, she kicked you down the hall.”  he said.

But Johnny could not be convinced of the folly of his plan, so he rolled up to Suzy once again.

He asked Suzy, “Would you like to go out with me this Friday?”

Seeing the black and blue head, Suzy yelled, “Ooh ick!  A grape!” and she squashed Johnny with her shoe.

“Johnny just wouldn’t listen.  I tried to tell him.”  said Billy.  “Quit while you are a head.”

3

Suzy loved music.  She loved to sing.  One day she heard a piano concerto on the radio and decided that she wanted to learn to play the piano.  So she talked her parents into having a piano shipped to the Trid village from across the sea.  Arrangements were made, and one day the piano arrived, although somewhat out of tune due to being jostled about during the long sea voyage.  So Suzy’s father looked in the Yellow Pages under the listing for piano tuners and saw that there was one located in the Trid village.  His name was Oppornockity.  He gave Oppornockity a call on the phone and set up an appointment to get the piano tuned.  The next day Oppornockity came to tune the piano.  He set to work with his tuning forks and soon had the piano in good tune.  Suzy happily began her piano lessons and soon became very good at playing it.  After a few months though, the piano started to get out of tune again.  So Suzy’s father once again phoned Oppornockity to ask if he could come tune the piano once more.  Oppornockity’s secretary answered the phone. 

When asked if she could send Oppornockity over to tune the piano, the secretary said, “That would be quite out of the question.”

“Why?” asked Suzy’s father.

“Because,” came the reply.  “Oppornockity only tunes once.”

4

Gold seemed to be about the only natural resource available to the Trids.  Just about everything the Trids owned was made of gold.  Their furniture was gold.  Their dishes were gold.  Even their silverware was made of gold.  About the only thing not made of gold were their houses.  Their houses were made of grass.  Even the king of the Trids had a grass house.  But since he was king, his house was bigger than the rest.  He had the only house in the Trid village with an upstairs. 

A band of pirates had heard about the Trids and their gold mine and decided to rob the Trids of their gold.  So the pirates raided the Trid village and went house-to-house plundering all the gold.  The king’s prime minister saw the pirates and ran to warn the king.  The king’s throne, of course, was made of gold.  He told the prime minister to hide the throne so the pirates wouldn’t steal it.  So the prime minister got a group of men together and they carried the throne upstairs to the king’s bedroom and hid it in his closet. 

The pirates soon arrived at the king’s house and proceeded to loot it.  They took all the king’s gold, except the throne, which was too well hidden for them to find.  The pirates left and the king breathed a sigh of relief.  But the throne, being made of gold, was very heavy and the closet floor gave way under the weight.  The throne crashed through the ceiling and landed on top of the king, seriously injuring him.  The prime minister called for an ambulance and the king was transported to the hospital, where he was placed in traction.

The local newspaper sent a reporter to the hospital, where he found the prime minister at the king’s bedside.  “Will the king be OK?” asked the reporter. 

“He is expected to make a full recovery.” replied the prime minister.  “But he should have known.  People that live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.”

5

While recovering in the hospital, the king heard fantastic tales about a giant bird that laid golden eggs, called the Foo bird.  The Foo bird was rumored to abide in the land on the other side of the desert that bordered the Trid village.  Anxious to replenish their gold stocks, he sent his head explorer, Sir Percy, in search of the Foo bird.  After an arduous journey across the desert, Sir Percy encountered a hermit.   Sir Percy asked the hermit if he knew the whereabouts of the fabled Foo bird.  The hermit told him he knew where the Foo bird nested and would lead him to the nest.  But the hermit warned Sir Percy: “If the Foo bird relieves itself on you, do not wipe off the droppings.  If you do, terrible things will happen.”

So the hermit led Sir Percy to the Foo bird’s nest.  The bird was nowhere to be seen.  Sir Percy looked in the nest and saw that it was full of golden eggs.  He took several of the eggs and put them in his backpack.  Just then the Foo bird returned to the nest.  Enraged at the theft of her eggs, the Foo bird took a huge dump that covered Sir Percy in bird droppings from head to toe.  Sir Percy and the hermit beat a hasty retreat, and once again the hermit warned Sir Percy about the danger of wiping off the Foo excrement.  The two of them headed across the desert toward the Trid village.  The desert sun was very hot and soon the Foo droppings that covered Sir Percy began to harden and become crusty.  Again the hermit warned Sir Percy about the dangers of wiping off the Foo poo. 

At length they approached the Trid village.  By this time Sir Percy was getting really uncomfortable, what with the layer of Foo droppings that coated his body.  When they came to the Trid River, he could not stand it anymore.  He jumped in the river, washed the Foo poop off, and was promptly eaten by a crocodile.

“If I told him once, I told him a thousand times,” said the hermit.  “If the Foo shits, wear it.”

6

Note: My late father was fond of telling the following story, and nobody could tell it like he could, especially after he had consumed a few cocktails.  I have altered it slightly to fit into the framework of the Trid mythology. – D.L.

There were a lot of snakes in the jungle that surrounded the Trid village.  In fact, the Trid village was infested with snake pits.  One day, Peter Snake was hissing in his pit.  Peter’s mother was trying to clean the pit, and his hissing was getting on her nerves, so she said, “Peter, please don’t hiss in the pit.  If you must hiss, go outside the pit to hiss.

So Peter went outside the pit to hiss.  But his mother could still hear him hissing so she said, “Peter, if you must hiss, go over to Mrs. Potts’ pit to hiss.”

Peter went to Mrs. Potts’ pit, but Mrs. Potts was not home.  Peter commenced hissing in her pit anyway.  Then Mrs. Potts came home and found Peter hissing in her pit.  “Peter,” she scolded, “don’t hiss in my pit.  If you must hiss, go to your own pit to hiss.”

This made Peter very upset, and he slithered home to his pit crying all the way.  When Peter’s mother saw him crying, she asked, “Peter, what is the matter?’

Peter told her, “I went over to Mrs. Potts’ pit to hiss, but Mrs. Potts was not home, so I hissed in her pit anyway.  Mrs. Potts came home and found me hissing in her pit and told me to go home to hiss in my own pit.”

“That mean old lady!” exclaimed Peter’s mother.  “Why, I knew Mrs. Potts when she didn’t have a pit to hiss in!”